Vulpes vulpes(2)

For this special season I made a linocut. By suprise the fox appeared in it, walking in the snow.
I would like to add a line underneed it, a closing sentence... (read vulpes vulpes)

"... but Fox knew who he was, a friend and faithful guardian, and he continued his course"

May we all, in the new year, be pure and thoroughly who we are, and continu to write and share our stories, our lives, with eachother!

Sinking boat (2)

Last month it was 3 years ago that my three boys were abducted, confirming years of emotional abuse. Only a few people knew the incredible pain before and after, only a few discerned the great lies of the swindler.

A couple of weeks ago I saw the film Life of Pi. One quote struck me, where Pi Patel tells something about bereavement in life (he lost his whole family in a ship wreck): "I left so much behind ... I suppose in the end, the whole of life becomes an act of letting go, but what always hurts the most is not having a moment to say goodbye".

Here is "not having a moment to say goodbye" equal to being powerless to take control in a very shocking situation. Being powerless in great pain leaves you helpless, hopeless, empty, and traumatised.

There are only a few people I know who dare to be honest about bereavement in life. It seems that most of them have suffered great losses too.
While my body still aches and while I dream of a much easier life, I learned that in the midst of terrible pain there is something greater than having an answer to it. Right in the middle of it lies something valuable... Maybe it's about seeing life in new perspectives, life without lies and stereotypes, life without cheap answers... About getting to know a better part of self, a more authentic self, pure, with no illusions about life...
I guess that's it... I look at life with less illusions, and practice a more honest gratitude. I am more pessimistic, but know what is important. I got acquainted with great evil, and know how to discern it from the good and to appreciate life.

Linocut 'sinking boat' made by me.

Perseverance

One of the most important (and basic) things I teach my art students is to persevere!
When making a piece of art we usually start with a great idea. Then we start working, collecting information, sketching, choosing colours, deciding on composition, etc, and realise it's going to be harder then we thought. At some point we come to a stage where the art piece sucks. The stage where we messed up, struggle to continue, and wonder whether to throw the art piece away or stop doing art.
Only perseverance will get us through this stage. It's the crucial point of winning or losing - to learn or to stand still. After continuing, the art piece might or might not match 'the great idea', but I believe pushing through is one the most rewarding and constructive processes of an artist! One that makes the artist!
Because I know this proces very well it became easier for me to keep on going. Messing up became a normal part of the proces of making a painting. I embrace it!

Is life not exactly the same?
I believe it is, but am not sure I have reached that place yet to embrace the mess. Nevertheless I'm determined to finish this 'piece of art'. Eventually it might or might not match with the expectations which I had before, but it will be good!

Half full - half empty

How can two glasses be exactly the same in size and contents, but be completely different?
One glass half full, another half empty.
I thought about that for a little while last week. What makes a glass half full or half empty? Is it the content? Wine, water of poison? The desire to keep it or to get rid of it?
Maybe it’s about what isn’t there… The fear of the intangible, the invisible, the unknown – the air that increases while the glass slowly empties and leaves me with empty hands.

When I look back in the past I see I could convulsively focus on the last swigs in my glass. Afraid to drink, afraid to loose the little I had.
I see that I do that differently now. I know very well what the best way is to enjoy a full glass of wine. And that is to drink it.
The best way to enjoy a half full glass of wine, is also to drink it.
And the best way to enjoy the last little bit of wine in my glass is… exactly, to drink it and to taste the flavours of red berries with all my taste buds. This is the way I enjoy every sip, be aware of the slowly increasing emptiness and try to embrace it. To be no longer afraid of it. I know that something else will come. Something new. Emptiness is a place to discover or create something new, like an empty page in a book or a blank spot on a map. It can be so terrifying, but inevitable if I want to enjoy every sip. I am not speaking about a specific occasion in my life, but more about the way I look at my life at the moment.
It has changed over the last two years.

Spruiten

Ha ha, dit is een grappig stukje dat ik geschreven heb zo'n half jaar geleden over als het leven tegenzit. Ik kon het niet laten even te delen en heb er zojuist nog even een tekeningetje bij gemaakt. (ik heb niks tegen spruiten hoor, Sef dus wel)

Sef kon het nog goed herinneren. In zijn gedachten beleefde hij het opnieuw... Hij rook de verschrikkelijke geur in het huis, en voelde de grote groene ballen die in zijn mond maar bleven hangen en de smaak van het bijna moeten braken dat van diep achter in de keel opkwam… Er leek nooit een einde te komen aan de berg ergernis die op zijn bord lag. Wat een verschrikkelijke ramp was het als hij hoorde dat ze ’s avonds weer spruiten zouden gaan eten.

Hij had nu weer een bord voor zich; dit maal het bord van het dagelijks leven. Dit bord bracht hem bij zijn herinnering aan zijn bord als kind. Wat er nu op lag was geen berg spruiten, maar veel zwaarder te verteren. De gedachte aan deze berg deed hem duizelen. Niet te overzien, niet te behappen en niet te verteren, of toch...?

Weer een spruit… De gruwel die hij ervoer bij de grootte, de structuur, de geur en de smaak van de bal van bladeren spreidde zich door zijn hele lichaam, van zijn mond en neus tot aan het einde van zijn haren en de puntjes van zijn kleine tenen. Terwijl de ballen zich leken te vermenigvuldigen op zijn bord als een of ander gevaarlijk virus, herinnerde hij zich ook de langzaam opkomende vreugde als de strijd met de ballen toch langzaam overwonnen werd. Nog 8, nog 5, 3, 2, nog 1… Wat een ongelooflijke opluchting!
Morgen zouden ze weer wat anders eten!

Reviving vs Surviving

Some days it's extremely hard to deal with circumstances. Especially when there is totally nothing you can do about them. It often takes a while before I can accept the fact that I am in such a place.
Last days I've been looking for ways to stop surviving, and to start reviving. And although I could't leave the circumstances behind, playing with ingredients and flavours made me feel happy:
photo 1: farmer's cake with apple, raisins, and cinemon.
photo 2 & 3: puff paste with brie, apple, walnut and honey.
photo 4: Courgette with mozzarella and basilicum.

Leaving the path

Some weeks ago I spent a couple of days in Germany. The sight and smell of the trees and hills invited me to enter their world of beauty. One thing I always do when I go for a walk in an unknown area is to ‘leave the path’, and discover my own… I can’t resist the adventure of entering and discovering the unknown.


One of the books I am reading at the moment is ‘Maps of the imagination: the writer as cartographer’ by Peter Turchi – an inspiring book about mapmaking, creative processes, and the different ways of observing and visualising the real or imaginary world around us. It seems that no matter how many discoveries we make as human beings, we keep on telling ourselves we’ve reached the end of the knowable world. At page 226 its about developments in science and the limitations of current technology.
- The genome map and tools like the Hubble telescope don’t merely allow us to see what we know more clearly; they give us a sense of all we don’t know. “Whenever we couldn’t conceive of what’s out there,” writes Richard Panek, “it was because we didn’t yet understand what the preconceptions might be that were restricting our view.” Which is to say, Seeing is an art which must be learned and relearned.-

While I say “I can’t resist the adventure of entering and discovering the unkown” I realise at the same time that I am terrified to do that with planning my daily life and imagining my future… While being encouraged by some positive experiences, I am also overwhelmed by the limitations and the fear I had with gaining them.
I long to discover new worlds; the possibilities of my life, but to do so I have to encourage myself to leave the path which I restrict myself to...

Joie de vivre

Last Thursday night I went to the citycentre of Breda on my own. With the purpose to enjoy the special shops my eye caught the other day and to wander around.
I saw quite some shops with cooking utensils, but also with books, and other specific things. I bought a 2nd hand book about Chagall and 2 sketchbooks (but couldn't find a book about combining flavours and herbs where I was looking for too).
It was such a beautiful night... I sat at a cafe with a coffee, felt the soft rain, a breeze, watched the few people on the streets, enjoyed the colours of the lights, and the shops. While sitting down with my coffee the moment made me think about a piece of mixed art or music. The combination of lots of different elements playing together; colours, shapes, lines, everything together. Also the combination of hearing, sight, touch, smell and taste.
To 'be aware' of them opens a door to a whole new world...